Attracting Negative People Into Our Lives

While working in Mental Health, I have ran support groups for both men and women. I'm not sure, but I may have been the only woman in Australia running a men's support group. Many issues between the groups were the same. One question that kept coming up was "Why do I keep meeting the same sort of partners or friends. I remember one attractive, intelligent young man asking, "Jackie, do I have a big 'L' for loser on my forehead or something? Everyone I meet seems to want to take me for a ride." In fact he was anything but a loser. He was warm, compassionate and caring. These are great traits. His problem was that he showed these traits so readily that broken or predatory people zoomed in on him within minutes of meeting him.

So, how do we let other people know we are ripe for the picking. Once again it comes back to our own feelings of self-worth and our boundaries. We all have invisible boundaries and on meeting us, people will naturally and unconsciously try to see what they are. It is a natural process that we all do every day. How close can we let someone sit next to us before we get uncomfortable and move along, how receptive are we to their conversation, how do we react when they ask for a cigarette or for small change towards their bus fare. Do we reply with a quick and harsh "NO" , do we quibble a little and give in because we don't want a scene, do we hand it over and cease eye contact and conversation.

The way we react to the person will tell them a lot about us. If you out and out refuse, they may mutter under their breath or call you a name. If we quibble and give in, they may continue conversation and attempt to see how far they can push you again. If we hand it over and cease conversation and eye contact they will probably feel you have little patience with their behavior and back off.

Each behavior says something. One says, "Back off I have no compassion. I will not care for others and I have enough self esteem to say no. Quibbling and giving in says, "I have little self-esteem and I can be guilted into things." Handing it over and ceasing contact says. "I have a bit of compassion but I do not take on other peoples problems. You are not my problem."

If this scenerio is at a bus stop and the contact is brief, it may not be a problem. If it is in a social setting and the person has moved toward you and it is over time, it can be more of a problem. Predatory people are always on the lookout for those who will care for them, either financially or emotionally. They will flatter and be complimentary, they will tell sad stories and see how you react to their plight. They may offer to buy you a drink and then realise they don't have enough money, so you end up paying. They may have no where to stay but have plans that it will all come good in a week or two. They may want you to meet up again, usually quite soon, and request your phone number or address.

A healthy person doesn't mind taking a bit of time to get to know you. An unhealthy person wants to be your best friend or move in with you within hours or days of meeting. The difficult thing is understanding that if we have feelings of wanting to rush things as well, then we are just as unhealthy. We are needy and therefore ripe for the picking. We tell the other person all of this just by the way we react to them and how willing we are to meet their needs.

So, it might be time to check just how you react to new people. Learn to hear what is not being said. If this person has lost custody of their children, you need to hear that this person is irresponsible, if this person sleeps on a mattress at his mates place, you have to read into that. How old is this guy, girl. What do others have at that age in comparison, how come this person has failed to achieve normally, what habits or addictions might account for this inability to move ahead?

If you are out for lunch with your friends and a person of the opposite sex appears attractive and interested, ask them what they were doing or watch what they are doing before they approached you. Consider issues such as the time of day, day of the week and so on. Does this person gamble every day, are they employed, could these things be habits that you do not agree with? Were they gambling, drinking alone, how intoxicated are they, listen intently for the things they are not saying. If every boyfriend or girlfriend in their past was a cheater, could it be they are just a controlling or untrustworthy person. If every partner was  a spinner or crazy, maybe this person criticises and lies to send those around them crazy. 

Above all, don't grab onto someone just because they are interested in you. Learn to use your instincts and be aware of what you are worth. People do not change and you cannot save them. If you notice that kind of rationalisation creeping into your thinking then go and wash that big 'L' sign off your forhead and think again. Cheers...Jackie