Dream analysis, tarot readings, online dream interpretation. Counselling for psychological healing and growth.
Getting our needs met: Being selfish in a healthy way. How do we do it?
Wed, 2009-08-05 12:18
So, how do we as individuals that have families, partners or responsibilities to others, learn to meet our own needs without neglecting or hurting those around us? It's a big question. Many of us have such a large "responsible self" that we stop making ourselves happy. This question is for myself as much as any body else. It has recently came to my attention that I have become a martyr to the needs of others and have not been meeting my own needs for happiness. A martyr is a person who sacrifices themselves for a cause. It sounds lofty and wonderful, but in reality it can be pretty sad because a martyr can make everyone around them feel guilty. Many years ago, a friend said to me, "Oh get off the cross Jackie, somebody needs the wood." It made me laugh and also made me aware that it is not a pretty thing.
When I was working out of the house full time, I simply didn't have time to drive my daughter around or make sure dinner was cooked or the house was as clean as a pin every day. Since I have been at home a lot more recently, I have started feeling as if I should.... Of course, having more time at home means that I have more time to do things, but it has gone past just doing my bit. I'm doing every ones bit's.
A good example of how I have started taking on the responsibilities that are not mine, arose the other morning. My daughter had wanted me to color her hair the evening before. That's okay, she was going to do mine on the weekend. She wanted hers done ASAP before the weekend. It was my turn to cook dinner (four adults in the house, we take turns). I was feeling a bit under the weather. I said "yes" to the hair and struggled to make dinner. Then, I felt I needed to be sick. I came back and said"No, I don't feel well." Then, after a while I felt okay and said, "Yes, I'll do your hair." I served up dinner and then thought to myself, "Why do I feel the need to do this hair when I obviously don't feel up to it?" I then explained to my daughter that I would do her hair at another time. She was okay with that, but slightly annoyed.
Her brother (who is also a martyr) said, "If you get up early tomorrow, I will do your hair and drive you to school afterwards. I overheard this and said, "I don't mind doing your hair tomorrow as long as he drives you to school." So, the next morning, I got up, threw down a coffee and did her hair. She had a free first period, but she was running a little late. Her brother then said, "It's too late now, I had plans at 10.30. I wanted to be back by then. So, guess who ended up accompanying my daughter to school. ME!
She was driving and I looked at her and said, "Why am I here? This has nothing to do with me. You and your brother organised this and I have ended up carrying the responsibility for it. I explained to her that this was happening far too much. My daughter is a strong person. If her needs are not met, she makes it very clear to everyone around her. She has two wonderful martyr's around her to meet her demands. We, my son and I, as the martyr's, feel she is a selfish cow and is unconcerned about anyone but herself.
But here is the clincher. She was fine when I said I was too unwell to do her hair. She accepted that. Why did I feel a drive to get up and do her hair. She would not have thought about getting it done in the morning if her brother had not suggested it. She would have caught the bus to school and no-one would have had to accompany her. Why did I then find myself taking on a responsibility that actually belonged to her brother (driving with her)? You see, she is not really a selfish cow (occasionally), but her brother and I have to mark our boundaries. His boundary about time was not clear. If it had been, we would have worked towards it. My boundary about what I was prepared to do was not clear. If I had been clear, I would have said, "I'll do that on Saturday okay."
Due to all of this bad communication and boundary setting, my daughter ended up in a yelling match with her brother, I played refereee and tried to keep every one happy and she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she needed a ride to school. She felt guilty that I had to accompany her. My son felt guilty for having plans, he felt guilty that I had to go with her. Lot's of guilt and plenty of resentment on my behalf.
This is a petty example but it demonstrates how not communicating our needs effectively can cause conflict within all relationships. I'd love to hear from you. What do you think?
Fri, 2009-10-23 12:23
#2
Domestic Violence and Boundaries.
I'm noticing that this topic is getting a lot of veiwings. I thought I'd share something I used to share with women in my 'Understanding Domestic and Family Violence' group. The women in the groups were women who were living with, or escaping domestic violence. Being a survivor myself, I understand how women can feel a great connection with an abuser while knowing they need to get out for their own safety.
DV relationships are often between a strong supportive woman and a man who is often emotionally very young. Yes indeed it happens the other way around, I know male victims as well, but for my workshops, I dealt with women. Mostly, the men are charming and in the begining of the relationship were romantic, sweet and passionate. Relationships like these usually have a sense of being on a roller coaster ride. There are these wonderfull times, followed by the tension build up and then the violent outbursts. These can be verbal, physical, emotional violence or financial, social or even spiritual control.
When women leave, they are actually at more risk of abuse and even death, than at any other time. The man will feel he has lost control and do whatever he feels is necessary to regain it. I found that many women would be charmed by the man to let him back into the house. They may try sympathy, appologies, romance, gifts, pleading and other things. They will then revert to more unpleasant behaviors when they realise these things are no longer working.
During one group, a young woman told me that she had obtained an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) on her ex. He was not supposed to come near her home or workplace or he would be arrested. Several times though, she had allowed him into her home because he had turned up sober and was being really sweet and wanted to see his children. Each time the situation had ended in violence and damage to her home as he would bring alcohol with him and begin to drink.
She would then attempt to kick him out and usually rang the police who she felt had very little sympathy for her. I spoke to her about her boundaries and she became upset with me saying "I try to have boundaries. I tell him to leave when he gets angry. How am I supposed to deal with a drunk angry man who is smashing my house up?" I totally understood her difficulty. But, I shared something I had seen on TV. I watch 'The Dog Whisperer'. In this show, Cesar Millan attempts to show dog owners that they need to have boundaries, rules and limitations on their dogs. One thing he points out over and over again is that it is impossible to deal with a dog when it has reached the red zone. That is the zone where a dog becomes dangerous. He shows dog owners that you have to deal with the behavior before it reaches this level.
Once a man is in the home, he has power. If he rings to make contact, he has power. If you allow him to sit and drink he has more power. Once he reaches the red zone, all is lost. Her boundary setting should have been much earlier than after he reached the red zone. Her AVO protects her if she see's him pull up outside the house. That's when she should ring the police and tell him so as he approaches the house. If he rings to ask to come over tell him "No" firmly and that you will ring the police if you see his car.
These guys are violent and controlling. They can be unpredictable and dangerous. Nothing is a guarrentee. Often any communication at all is dangerous as if feeds attachment and hope of regaining power to the abuser. Your boundaries need to be way before the event becomes dangerous. I'm sure it must be frustrating to police to have to turn up seeing that the victim has allowed the perpetrator into the house again. Particularly when there are small children involved. I know it's often hard, and these men do have a lovely side that the woman is still in love with. But as time goes by, that side becomes less and less and the abuse increases. The lovely side is not tangible enough to risk your life or your children's lives for.
Women love to love. We often love too much. I've heard women say "But if I could just make him feel secure and loved enough, he might change?" We take in the broken and the needy, not realising that our need to fix this person is a symptom of our own unwellness, our lack of good boundary setting. I'd love to hear what people think.
design
I can think people are pretty bloody rude sometimes. I always go out of my way for them and they seem to expect it. Maybe I just need to look at my boundaries as you say. Thanks Chief Bop
Bop